the paper seeps into my flesh
and splits it apart.
the music my friend plays
sounds like mourning flowers.
a bone is stuck in my throat.
the flesh that carries me grows,
a migrane.
the afternoon slips away like a dream.
no train is coming back.
it won’t be long before stasis.
when the meteorites fall, I will be ready.
the inspiration: “Locket” by Crumb. this song really made me emo.
https://youtu.be/BqnG_Ei35JE
Seventeen –
What a strange, peculiar number.
In between the Sweet Sixteens and Enlightened Eighteens,
My seventeen stings of static, of silences.
I wasn’t always like this –
At seven my mind dreamed of inventions,
I remember the wild playground dates when eight.
At ten I envisioned a future,
At eleven I was the Little Mermaid.
Fourteen was when I tasted ecstasy. And though when
Fifteen came, sickness plagued
Sixteen at least was a bittersweet solace.
But now I’m here, seventeen, and still,
The world is in a swirl.
Movements abound, but the shadows curve around,
shades to my vision.
Everything stings, sour nostalgia.
It stinks of anticlimax, this seventeen,
A sorry sight of sombre greys.
I yearn to look for a sign of colour, but
My years are sloping on a sharp decline.
It won’t be long before it reaches stasis.
Today, I finally tasted the bitter fruit of not having everything go your way. And that’s alright.
The morning started off normally enough. I woke up, had breakfast, and was snuggling in my grandfather’s armchair as I watched Masterchef. I was unaware of the calls I missed from my Junior College. Not long after, the school called the house number.
His voice was quiet, solemn, and almost regretful of what he’s going to say; almost as gentle as doctors that remorsefully tell the ill’s of his grim and hopeless future.
Dread blanketed me and I knew something was going to go wrong – and sure enough, he delivered the blow: my dream subject combination – H2 Literature in English, H2 Theatre Studies in Drama (TSD), H2 Math, and H1 Econs – had too few people applying for it, and I had to change my combination. It was either I gave up TSD – a subject I am passionate about – and take H1 Physics in its place, or I take a great risk by studying a humanities subject, H2 Geography/History in place of economics, neither of which I had even touched before (excluding the sec 1 and 2 years). We were halfway through the call before I started crying as the heavy gravity of it all crushed me.
The next hour or two was comprised of me wailing to my trusted comrade, Egg (a nickname I have for him) and my mother, frantically asking advice from friends and teachers, and just wallowing in self-doubt and despair over how my JC life will be like. The harsh reality that I couldn’t have what I wanted was completely an unwanted surprise and I hated how things turned out. I was devastated and heartbroken that I had to make this distressing, heavy, colossal decision to choose between giving up a subject I loved (TSD) for a ‘safer route’, or bite the bullet.
to be or not to be, that was the question
At this juncture, I would like to begin with my heartfelt thanks to those who helped me today. I know it may seem like I’m exaggerating everything, but when you’re in JC and you can only depend on this path to get into university, the subject combination you decide to have and learn over the past two years can, in my opinion, make or break you. So to those who listened and helped me with my decision making, I send you my heartfelt appreciation.
As I spoke to my parents, I received mixed views from both of them. My father felt that I had ‘no reason to cry’ while my mother gave me space to let out my sorrow. Being pragmatic as ever, my father felt that the Lit, Math, Econs, Physics (LMEP) combination was a safer option than the other because I took Physics in O Levels. (And also because I can still take theatre studies in uni despite not having studied TSD.) Meanwhile, my mother encouraged me to take TSD, Lit, History, and Math (TLHM). I’m pretty sure part of it is because learning History can help me in the future if I were to work at the embassy (her idea, not mine. So essentially this choice was more in her favour). Both of them agreed that History might help me in Theatre, but the problem was whether I was up to the challenge to learn such a content heavy subject in less than two years.
I was completely lost at what to do. Now that I look back, I have to admit I had quite a tunnel vision and was narrow-minded with my subject combination flexibility. The disappointment with my O Level results made me fear learning new things because I was paranoid if I were to take a new path and give it my all, I would receive nothing in return. I was unsure and lacked confidence in my abilities to step out of my comfort zone. LMEP was definitely a safe choice, but was I willing to let TSD go? TLHM, on the other hand, had this brand new subject that seemed terribly daunting with its content heavy syllabus. I didn’t know if TSD was worth purusing to riskily take History – I didn’t even know what was worth pursuing anymore.
I candidly told my mom about my misgivings, how I was scared of investing so much and reaping nothing in return, and how, because of that, was afraid to learn a new subject. She immediately chided my attitude, and what she said next really changed my perspective on this matter: I was born with and for a purpose, so why am I limiting myself to knowledge – to the world – because of my uncertainty of the future?
In addition to the wise words from my mother (I have to admit, she’s a good motivational speaker), the advice and encouragement from my teachers have helped me tackle this matter immensely – and this is when I realise just how narrow-minded I was. I was daunted by History for being a hard subject, but then again, weren’t all JC subjects a challenge, a real game changer? Besides, life is about celebrating the process and the journey – not about how much harvest you reap, but by the seeds that you sow. Failures are unavoidable, but they are just part of life to make us stronger. And as my father pointed out – Econs and History are both new subjects to me, so what makes them so different? If we looked at this matter on the whole, switching Econs for History has almost no effect. Hermoine’s words truly ring true here: fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself.
I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
At the very end, I decided to to go big and take the THLM subject combination. I am painfully aware of how taxing it will be, especially because History is such a content heavy subject, and the need for proper time management is crucial. But knowing that there were others like me (other students, Egg, and even my teacher) who went to JC and took a subject that they have never came across before, I don’t feel so alone in my predicament anymore.
Taking History is definitely going to be a challenge. I have very limited knowledge on this content, and there is a part of me that is still afraid of the possible chances of failure. But then, isn’t that the same for any other matter in life? The best thing we can do is give it our all, and enjoy the process – something I think is crucial when we’re learning. And remember: we can always bring in the passion to what we do. With a deep breath I shall take this path that I have never thought of stepping foot on before, bravely face the odds and circumstance ahead of me, and give it my all. Yes, I will do just that.
They say you reap what you sow
so I hustle about,
weave my web until it’s perfect.
I take precautions, build it up with foundation.
I weave it again and again,
again and again,
mending the fragments,
patching the connections.
My web will be strong as steel,
big as a net, invisible to the eye,
intricate with traps, all for the
biggest prey I will ever get.
But my web fails me.
It’s brittle bones collapses day after day
Into a heap, melts under the sun like wax,
again and again.
My prey escapes, and as I patch up again,
And again, and again,
I wonder if I will ever
reap what I
sow.
my anger is a bubble
popped by the heat,
my anger is a colouring book
ripped apart.
my anger is a doll house with
smashed doors and windows.
my anger is a plushie
shoved into the rubbish.
my anger is a toy train
kicked off its rail.
my anger is a cake
snatched by others.
my anger is lost
to choose between
stay quiet or screaming my thoughts
you never bothered to hear.
originally written by me. please do not steal.
Hey guys!! I realised I’m kinda neglecting this page, so good news is I have something to blog now!
Yesterday night I managed to find this really awesome deck of Lord of The Rings Tarrot Cards! It was in super good condition – in fact, the cards weren’t even stripped off their plastic. Turns out this deck was actually a Christmas present from my uncle to my aunt! Here’s the card that my uncle so lovingly wrote for her:
So cute right?! (Censoring their names cause privacy) I love how he added that *grin* at the last part. It really added this element of cheekiness which I have never seen from him 😂
And here are pictures of the set:
Clearly from its shine it definitely had a very sedentary lifestyle on the shelf 😂 so good news is I’m putting it to good use today!
There’s an instruction written on the spread to “channel my inner Gandalf”. Let me tell you, when I read this phrase all I could think of was the Gandalf meme where he yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!” That’s probably far from what was ideally expected of me when I’m supposed to think of Gandalf, but honestly guys, I don’t even know Gandalf! I never read the books before! (I’m working on it.)
After admiring the perfect condition of this deck (it’s probably about a decade old, mind you), I start my tarot reading by shuffling the cards first. I didn’t bother searching up on how to properly do a tarot card reading or put in much effort when shuffling, because I assumed that it’ll just be picking up random pieces of cards and reading their meanings to see if they reflect our lives. Well, turns out that I should have tried harder because my first and second tries at reading foundered. I must have ATROCIOUS shuffling skills, because all the cards I got from my first and pick were all under the same suit – a Coin!
So that’s when I went to trusty Google and searched up how to do a proper tarot card reading. I wasn’t too serious about it though, but this time, I made sure to shuffle really thoroughly and tried channeling a spiritual guide, as what the article suggested. So naturally I tried to think of Gandalf – it seemed appropriate since this is a LotR themed game – but nothing came into my mind. Then when I tried giving physical traits to Gandalf, the image of him drifted more off towards that Dumbledore. Finally, I decided to settle the image of my mother, cause parents know best right? Haha 😛
My third try was significantly much better than the previous two, eventhough majority of them are still Coins. Here’s a picture:
The cards I had drawn together with their meanings are:
Coins represent earth and the material and financial conditions of life
Swords represent the element of air, shows the state of mind and states of conflict
As you can see, there’s something confusing about my card readings, especially for the last two. They don’t really make sense.
I also decided to do a fourth reading, but this time in a different layout, called the Celtic Cross Spread.
The cards that I had drawn are:
Wands are the suit of fire, and indicate energy, action, and power.
All in all, this tarot card reading experience really is something unique. I have always wanted wondered how it’s like to have my palm read or have a psychic read my life, but I am always wary of scammers making easy money.
Obviously, my attempts to read tarot cards are not perfect. There are obviously confusing draws which do not even seem to match the purpose of it. But, oh well, it was a fun and interesting novel attempt! I do love some messages from some of the cards, though, such as the Six of Wands, Queen of Swords, Seven, Three, and Eight of Coins, which are motivating and empowering to me. What I have learnt from this is that 1) tarot readings are quite complicated, and 2) it is up to me on how I want to understand the cards’ meanings.
That’s it for today! Thank you for sticking around, and I’ll see you soon!
Hello everyone! I guess this is where I introduce myself, huh?
For anonymity purposes (lame, I know, but whatever), my online name shall be… Watson! I was going to call myself Sherlock, but then I realised that would be an offence to him, albeit he’s a fictional character. Anyway, I think Watson fits me pretty fine. After all, we both write!
Anyway, so here’s my proper introduction:
HOLA FROM MY STUDY ROOM AS I AM TYPING THIS!! My (pen) name is Watson, and I am a teenager living in Singapore! I LOVE cats, literature, theatre, music, reading, learning, gaming (Plants VS Zombies is my addiction right now). I am quite a master at procrastination, but I’m slowly changing that bad habit! Other than procrastinating, I also have a bad habit of looking at my phone too much (phone addiction?) and biting my nails, just to name two.
I started this blog mainly because I want to have a platform where I can freely express myself. It’s like making this tiny mark in the mammoth universe of the internet, ya know? Eventhough it’s small, it’s there, and it represents me. Also because I’m too shy to start a vlogging channel on YT, so I guess a BLOG can come close to it!
I guess I am a pretty chill person in life – but one thing I dislike about myself is that I’m not a very opinionated person (unless the topic is in my area). This may seem kinda great at first cause I’m always considering both sides, but when I’m writing an argumentative essay and can’t take a stand, I face problems.
That’s all I can think of. I hope you will stay around!
Hi there! Welcome to my humble blog 🙂 Here, you can find me publishing poems I’m too shy with my friends, blogging about adventures I had as well as simple a-day-in-my-life posts, all the while I explore and ponder life.
Here, you will find me sharing my journey. This space will just be me.
cats and poems 